Friday, December 31, 2010

chapter 1: A new beginning, or maybe not.

The boat started to sink, ever so steadily. She knew how to swim and yet she couldn’t; her arms and legs were frozen. She tried to call for help, but nothing but a whisper escaped her mouth. It sank with her into the dark waters. She saw figures floating around. Figures of people she thought she knew. She could not breathe; she held her breath until she could no longer do so. She could not hold on much longer, she felt her lungs compressing. Her screams reverberated in her head, growing louder and louder and louder still.

With a jolt she woke up on her queen-sized bed, gasping for air with her forehead damp with perspiration. She swiped at her forehead wiping it and sat upright for some time, calming herself down from the horrific episode. She had been having these disturbing images while in deep sleep a couple of times now, often waking up, panting. It was especially bad after she lost Nathan, her husband of 6 years, a couple of months ago. It seems as though the mental wounds and psychological wounds never managed to fully heal, together with her aching heart. Pouring herself a glass of water from the bottle by the bedroom lamp, she steadied herself and reminded herself it was not real; it was a mere figment of her imagination, as she guzzled the cooling liquid.

Her alarm rang and she hit the top button. It was 7am. Her biological clock had gotten so accustomed to the time that she barely needed to rely on her alarm clock; she would wake up a minute or two beforehand. But she set it anyway, for precautionary measure. She placed the glass down and swung her legs off the bed to get up. Walking to the full length mirror she ran her fingers through her short, springy auburn curls. At thirty one, Catalina Rose Valdez had not aged one second. She could still pass off as a woman in her early twenties. She barely wore make up, save for occasion powder and blush. Alas, she did not need to, because her natural beauty spoke for itself. Her well-chiselled nose, almond-shaped hazel eyes and auburn curls were sufficient to make heads turn as she walked the streets.

Catalina grew up under the guidance of her grandmother, who she loved dearly, never knowing who her biological parents were. They had left her at her grandmother’s doorstep and Catalina never bothered to trace them down because her grandmother never made her feel as though she was alone in the world. Her grandmother claimed that the moment she laid her eyes on her, her heart sank at the act at her parents had performed, but she wholeheartedly accepted the bundle of joy. The moment she stared into her hazel eyes, she got reminded of an angel, and hence named her Catalina, which was Spanish for Aikaterine, the greek term for ‘pure’. Catalina called her grandmother abuelita , an affectionate term for grandmother, in Spanish.

Having spent her childhood and teenage years in Salamanca, a city in Western Spain, she was fluent in her mother tongue, or what she would rather call, grandmother tongue, Spanish but her English was never compromised. She studied in a catholic school and grew up with a passion for history, mythology and ancient civilisations. After all, Salamanca was so rich in culture and heritage that it was declared by UNESCO as a world heritage site in 1988. She loved the way things developed and evolved and civilisations grew and got erased from the surface of the earth. When Catalina passed her eighteenth, her grandmother passed on from old age, leaving her what hard-earned money she had from selling self-woven hats. Her grandmother was a breast cancer survivor and gave others with that incurable disease the faith to live. She was a strong woman. Catalina was deeply shattered by the loss of her confidante, her guidance and her pillar of support and was left with no choice but to travel to the states to live with her distant aunt, who she did not even know how she was related to.

In the present day, Catalina freshened up and walked to her kitchen to make herself some breakfast. She felt as though she was shedding weight by the kilos and needed some carbohydrate. Switching on the coffee machine, she scooped in a few spoonfuls of her favourite Arabica coffee beans and dropped two toasts into the toaster and went back to reminiscing. Her so-called aunt Muriel had accepted her into her abode in Los Angeles, near Westwood village, albeit unwillingly. She could sense it from her sourness-laden voice and the way her lips would scrunch up into a frown every time Catalina walked in. Catalina merely shrugged it off, though she felt the pang in her heart every time she thought of her late albuelita. It was then that Catalina decided to study what she was passionate about, history, with a second major in mythology at the University of Los Angeles, California (UCLA). She knew her albuelita would be proud, watching over her from the heavens. The college was a stone’s throw away from Aunt Muriel’s house.

Spreading marmalade on her toast she threw a glance over at the easel next to the couch. Resting on it was a canvas block with a portrait of her late husband Nathan Smith painted onto it using Acrylic paint. She loved painting as it helped her go into pensive and put things into perspective. She dreadfully missed Nathan and she remembered his face all too clearly. His dimpled smile, his wavy dark brown hair, his well-chiselled jaw line and his twinkling eyes which lit up when he spoke of what he loved. She smiled wistfully as she recollected the day she met Nathan at UCLA. He was three years her senior and was majoring in forensic science and did a minor in mythology. They met at mythology lectures, sharing a common interest. They would study together at the Powell library on campus and have long chats in the cafeteria with scoopfuls of Baskin-Robins and occasionally do crosswords together. Chocolate chip cookie dough was their favourite. As the quarterback of the university American football team, he was popular, yet down to earth and had his eyes set on no one but Catalina.

After graduating, Nathan joined the Los Angeles Police Department, to become an LAPD officer. He had always wanted to serve the society, wanted to replace the bad with good, wanted to instill peace in the neighbourhood. A humanitarian, he always served when he could, be it at charity organisations or fundraisers. As an LAPD officer, he stuck firmly to his duty and was always ready to serve. He wore his badge with pride and Catalina wore him as a badge with pride. When Catalina was in her final year, Nathan proposed to her in his uniform in the middle of a luscious field on campus. He knelt down on a knee and pulled out a velvety red box which drew Catalina’s breath away and when she saw the ring she nodded without him having to utter a single word. They got engaged then and married the next day at a small catholic church. Catalina used to tease him, saying that his surname, Smith, did not go well with her first and middle names and Nathan used to reply cheekily that if that was the case, he would change it the next day to what she deemed fit.

After they tied the knot, Catalina shifted out of Aunt Muriel’s house, kissed her goodbye on the cheeks, hugged her one last time and thanked her for everything before moving into Nathan’s house. They built a home together and he urged her to follow her dreams. Upon graduating she decided to contribute back to her alma mater and teach what she loved. He believed in her and that made her believe in her capabilities. He used to joke that she would make a fabulous female president if she wanted to. Now he was gone, she thought to herself as tears filled her eyes. She wiped away her tears as they trickled down her cheek and ate what she could of her breakfast. She poured her coffee into a thermos flask and collected the notes which she burnt the midnight oil drafting. World history: a spotlight on Europe. She gathered her papers and carefully inserted them into her briefcase, which usually rested at a permanent spot on her couch. Throwing on a shirt and a pleated skirt, she took one final glance at her reflection and tried to muster a smile and she ran her fingers through her curls. She could do this - her first lecture for the semester. Although she was one of the youngest teaching staffs, she was well-revered by her colleagues and students.

Collecting her briefcase and thermos and swinging her handbag over her right shoulder she took one final glance around her apartment and left her flat, locking behind herself. She heard the joyful bark of her neighbour’s dog Powter as it pawed at her skirt until she delivered a pat to his head. The fox terrier was being taken for a morning walk by the neighbour living across her, Maurice, the sweetest sixty year old lady she ever knew. She knew she could never replace her albuelita but she deeply respected her and since she had been widowed at a young age, they could empathize with one another. She had only Powter and Catalina in her life and she loved Catalina like a daughter she never had. She smiled broadly as she saw Catalina and asked her to come over for some sponge cake and Himalayan tea, her speciality, in the afternoon. Catalina nodded and smiled back as she bade goodbye. ‘Hasta pronto see you soon’, she uttered.

The class was larger than she had expected, but the moment she entered and saw eager faces smiling back at her, she felt herself ease and introduced herself as Catalina Rose Smith. And so it begins, she thought to herself, as she smiled both internally and externally.

In a distant part of downtown Los Angeles they slapped him hard across his face. He was gagged and tied to a structure and looked like he had aged by decades. The light above his head swung precariously. He sat defeated and without an ounce of energy within him to struggle any longer. The figures in front of him snorted and spat distastefully on his face. He thought this was one of his better treatments he had gotten. In the pale light, red slashes of blood and gashes could be seen across his face, arms and body, some fresh, some dried. They ungagged him momentarily to force water down his throat and when they untied the cloth, he begged, ‘please, let me go. My wife needs me. He’s free now, what do you need. I’ll give you what you need. You already killed my son. Please let me go. Please.’ It hurt for him to talk, it hurt for him to move but nothing hurted like the pain inside of him. One of the figures laughed as he barked back ‘she thinks you’re dead. She thinks you’re gone. It’s over.’ He glanced over at the other figure as they laughed silently and gagged him back.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

something i penned with a bout of inspiration (a prologue)

It was black, it always was. She could not do without a mug of black coffee from freshly ground Arabica coffee beans. Looking around, she heaved a sigh of relief as she sipped the lukewarm beverage. It had been some time since she could sit and breathe evenly. She reached into her pocket and drew out a photograph of her son and thumbing the photograph she reminisced about the moments she still had him in his life. It had been five years since she had lost James and the memories of that day haunted her. She could never wash those memories out and she will never forget his last few words. First she had lost her son James and then her husband Nathan, who she had tied the knot with 6 years ago. Her world had crumbled into pieces and it took some time for her to gather herself and re-build that faith to live. She had to keep fighting, for them, for justice.

It was then she noticed the back of a leather jacket with that logo she would never forget on a man at the counter. She immediately covered her auburn hair with the hood of her jacket and sipped the last few drops of her coffee. Paying the nervous waitress nearby, she hurriedly gathered her purse and belongings and slid off the chair to leave, without waiting for her change. She had to make sure she was not noticed as she walked out of the cafe, she could not afford to be recognised.

The skies had turned dark and a slight drizzle dampened the sidewalks, making them glisten as the pale moonlight reflected off them. She took quick, quiet footsteps and walked as fast as she could. As she half-turned, she noticed a figure walk out of the cafe. Not being able to make out his face and not daring to stare too long, she quickened her footsteps and tightened her fist in her pockets. The chilly November wind made her shiver through her cardigan but nothing caused more pain than the chill in her heart which was trampled to pieces. She could hear his footsteps now, quickening ever so gradually and her heart began to pound loud enough for her to hear in her own ears. She must not panic; she had to find justice for her son and her beloved husband. Her brisk walk turned into a slow jog and eventually a dash towards a familiar neighbourhood. Finally when she could not hear his footsteps anymore, she turned to check and sure enough, she was alone. Turning back towards her flat and upon reaching home, she locked the door and fell onto the couch to let her heart settle from what she thought could have been the last day of her life. And what could have possibly been the last mug of black coffee that ever entered her body.

She turned towards a photograph of James, Nathan and herself at the Grand Canyon when they were still one happy family, untainted by the horrors of what came after. Tears streamed down her cheek as she whispered that she will fight for justice; that she will fight for them till her very last breath. She promised.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

stairway to heaven? maybe not.

Superiority and inferiority. Class. castes. Race. Religion. Colour. All these can section society into different categories and are the seeds which could plant marginalisation and discrimination.

Colour has sparked huge riots in the past, especially in the USA. The black-white divide has been one of the most widely debated issue over the years. It was so intense that people could no longer separate humane from inhumane, as long as colours were involved. It was only with time and development of a certain sense of tolerance and maturity that this issue became partly resolved. I say partly because inevitably there will still be some people who think they are superior because of the colour of their skin. People dared not speak up and those who did suffered the consequences when they were hushed either via assassination as in the case of Martin Luther King Jr. (who shared his "I have a dream" speech) or simply forced to seal their lips. But does colour mark the superiority status of Mankind? If so, who said so? These gross misconceptions are partly the reason why marginalisation and discrimination developed. This reminds me of a novel which really touched my heart and shone light on the divide based on colour - Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry by Mildred D. Taylor and some of her other books such as Let the Circle be Unbroken. This particular book is one of my favourites and an utterly thought-provoking one at that.

Another major divide which can be noticed in mostly developing countries would be the rich-poor divide. This divide was evident on the streets of Cambodia, when I went over last December. It would be a common sight to come across an elaborately decorated mansion sandwiched between two huts for instance on the streets of Cambodia or aluminium-lined rooftops and barely sheltered homes in front of condominium flats in India. However, we should never treat a fellow human being in a certain manner based on how much cash they horde. This would be unjust as we came to this planet with nothing and we are leaving without anything and what matters the most is who we are as a person.

The past as seen several other cases of such discrimination; one of which is the caste system of India. This was a system which divided the general populace in different sections of superiority based on their occupation. I.e. merchants would be ranked lower than warriors and kings and these would be ranked lower than priests. While much of this structure has been abolished, snippets of these can still be seen in society. Labelling people as 'pariahs' or untouchables is not uncommon in India for example. This is the sad truth; people labelling themselves as worthy of the upper echelons of society and looking down on those 'below' them.

This brings me to my thoughts of how there are inevitably superiority issues whether in the workplace or any other organisation. Divisions are bound to be established be it for training purposes or management. I would call it climbing the rungs of a ladder. When you start off, you are like the bottom rung, stepped on by almost everyone, especially so that they can move farther at your expense. Slowly but surely when one rises in ranking and moves to the next rung and beyond, they are less stepped on and when at the topmost rung, people only reach out to you and barely step onto you. Such are office politics, university politics and so forth and such is life. But no matter which rung you are, no matter which stage in life you are at, never forget that at the end of the day we are all human beings who came with nothing and leave with nothing and it is what we have done rather than what we have that truly matters.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Walking through crossroads with thousands of others, I take a moment to stop and glance around myself and I realize no one has stopped and the world continues as per normal.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

hogging the roads since 2007.

12th of December 2007 - the day I passed my driving test and attained my license. Today marks the 3rd anniversary of that day. Time undoubtedly and inevitably flies!

It seems like yesterday that I first sat behind the wheel and shuddered nervously when I was asked to drive at merely 40km/h. I remember climbing into the car next to my test instructor and taking a deep breath before starting. That was the first time I had driven without music from the alpine system in the car. I tried to remember the route I was given, but it came to me as nothing but a number. I kicked off my sandals (yes I drive barefooted) and checked my settings before starting off. Unlike my previous test instructor, this one looked remotely friendly so I gave a nervous sideway smile and set off. I focused and survived and he told me I was a smooth driver, which made me smile internally (and would have manifested as an ear-to-ear smile if I had let it). Upon reaching the centre, he refused to tell me if I had earned the right to travel the roads on a four-wheeler controlled by me. I trudged up the stairs behind him and sat down across from him at a table. It was there he handed me my score sheet and I had passed! I might have squealed there and then.

When I freshly passed, everything had to be by the book but now it seems estimation and gut has taken over. It ultimately becomes a task akin to swimming or cycling, where your body automatically takes over as though it is pre-set.

This maturation process applies to a multitude of things in life. Be it a caterpillar taking a temporary hiatus or morphing period in a cocoon only to emerge a butterfly or a baby graduating from sucking his or her thumb to lecturing in a university. Changes are all around us. But with changes comes the baggage of memories of the past. Some sweet, some painful, some happy and some sad and these inevitably become part of us. Whether we use these to our advantage and prevent history from repeating itself or we let ourselves sink into these and allow those emotions to erupt yet once again is entirely up to us. But no matter what we do with these memories, they get planted into our brains till anatomically erased by old age. They are part of us, and will remain part of us; especially if they mean a great deal to you.

In any case, I miss driving a manual car!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

sat down with inspiration and a pen.

The gust of wind

The words of life just pass me by
I wonder if I should laugh or cry
I hold out my hand with apprehension
But your words seem to escape my comprehension

Where did I err, I ask myself
As I look at pictures of us upon the shelf
Tears stream down my cheek
As I recall our memories that summer at the creek

We were happy; things were perfect
My heart was whole and fully intact
Somehow this gust of wind took with it our dreams
It was not that perfect after all, it seems

I tried to bring a smile upon your face
Thoughts of you, in my heart I would place
But you slammed the door into my soul
So now with these memories left, I will grow old

By Vibha

Monday, December 6, 2010

A quarter of the pie.

22 years and approximately 11 days have passed since I completed 22 years on this planet. If one considers the life expectancy of an average healthy Singaporean (~80.7 years), that would mean I have completed one quarter of my life. As I stare at the 3/4 of pie left in front of me (where pie = my life), I cannot help but wonder how the rest will taste like. Sure enough there will be a myriad of tastes (sweet, salty, sour or bitter) based on my experiences hence forth and this pie of life definitely has an unpredictable set of fillings which would provoke different feelings within me.

I have reached a stage where a multitude of decisions have to be made. Decisions which seem to be battling out within me, stretching me in different directions. I guess I have to shut off these external noises and truly find that inner voice somewhere within me. And so I close my eyes and meditate and hope that I find those answers. And meanwhile, stick with my gut feel. Because the gut never lies. And perhaps try not to practise romanticism (i.e. mixing reasons with emotions and leading to a perpetual battle between both), which would certainly be a difficult task for me especially since my heart is soft like a marshmellow.

On another note, I truly value the people I have in my life. Some may have entered my life earlier and some later, but all of these people hold a special compartment within the four chambers of my heart. I love all of you dearly; you know who you are :) Cheers!